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Iffy
Apr 18, 2009 20:33:04 GMT -5
Post by harlem on Apr 18, 2009 20:33:04 GMT -5
Although his appearances predate Muskegon and Brooklyn, I have found a cache of old emails from Iffy, and his colorful language. I will drop a few here for you all.
This was apparently from the opening days of the 1933 season, when the lowly Doublewides from Hattiesburg found themselves in first place, albeit briefly.
I hope Hattie enjoyed their 4-way tie for first dis morn', for the ain't gonna be there again until we is chasin' that black-moustached hooligan around Berlin. Four hits? Four? The Meal Ticket hisself almost outhit Hattie. They stink.
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Iffy
Apr 19, 2009 19:37:45 GMT -5
Post by harlem on Apr 19, 2009 19:37:45 GMT -5
Can someone please just drop a bomb on Hattiesterd, fer chrissakes? Watchin' em play is like watchin' someone havin' their way with a goat. An ugly goat.
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Iffy
Apr 21, 2009 8:27:59 GMT -5
Post by harlem on Apr 21, 2009 8:27:59 GMT -5
From Iffy's Christmas Special. 1933:
Right down Iffy Claus Lane....
Let's see what Jolly Ole' St Iff has in his sack for some of you....
Here is an elixir of youth for the old guys in Montgeezery: Paul Waning, Rogers Ornery and Fossil Frisch. Someone needs to get these guys a-going before North Dulles is gone and on cruise control.
Lemme dig a little deeper....
Here are a bunch of testicles for Guy with a Bush, Melanie Harder and Doll Luque. Attach them immediately and win some games for Double-X, will ya?
There's something else for someone special...
Ah, to Showboat Fisher, the manager extraordinaire in Hattiesturd, I leave you with nine steaming hot bags of reindeer feces. That is much fresher than the nine piles of stale shit on the field at any given moment.
To Fremont's fans, I leave a bunch of insulin, since they is all gonna be diabetic with that much Suga. How many innin's are you gonna throw? And whattaboud you, Brandy? You get an extra liberty dollar if you throw 400 innings? For Pawtucket, I leave you with a washboard, and an overturned washtub. Dat way, you can form a musical group with that bunch of banjo hitters you same to be cursed with. For Sahara, I leave you with some fine moonshine, since yo chances of winning have gone away jus' like prohibition. The only diffy, according to Iffy, is that I can see prohibition happenin again.
Ho-Ho-Ho, chowderheads.
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Iffy
Apr 21, 2009 8:32:09 GMT -5
Post by harlem on Apr 21, 2009 8:32:09 GMT -5
And from the last day of the 1938 season:
Wooo, doggie! You jus' know that I cain't stay away from running my mouf when a season is endin' like dis. I look at da yellow rag, and the main headline iz "St Louie and Nor'Dallas tied atop to standin's." And wif one game to go, too. Ain't that the craziest thin' you never seen? In fact, its enuff to get my cranky ole carcass off my porch and maybe lissen to an innin' or twos. St Louie. Dagnabbit, who would of seen this day again? I remember back when Hoovie was in the Pale House in DC, we had a St Louie team that wuz pretty danged good, Foxx and Simmons and Lazzerelli. Man, those sumbitches could hit, couldn't they? But the good teams of St Louie disappered with Hoovie, and we aint seen 'em since. What does that cripple-ass FDR got against them folks in St Louie? Well, ole Iffy has some kin folk in Hot Springs, which is close enough to the Arch to make dem Plague fans, and I reckon ole Iffy is one, too. How dat Dallas team made it dis point is too much for a man of my intelligencia to unnerstand. Theys good an' all, but St Louie hits fastball like Iffy Junior hits his ole lady. Hard and wif purpose. So in short, go St Louie. Do it today, Do it fo' Guy Bush, Ad Liska, Joe Cicero, and all those udder cream puffs that wore yo' uniforms. Iffy say so.
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Iffy
Apr 21, 2009 16:15:09 GMT -5
Post by theburns on Apr 21, 2009 16:15:09 GMT -5
Hey, why didn't someone wake me up and tell me Appalltucket is a'playin Crappiesburg?
I'd rather watch my grand-pappy be sodomized by a daisy-chain of savages.
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Iffy
Apr 21, 2009 16:15:43 GMT -5
Post by theburns on Apr 21, 2009 16:15:43 GMT -5
Multiple Choice
Hattiesturd is so far back..... a) It takes a beam of light 3.2 years to travel from North Dallas to Hattiesburg b) They will start next season 12.5 games behind c) They don't even have the invention of fire (but they do have the wheel)
True/False 1) Crappiesburg's winning percentage is lower than Harlem's team batting average 2) Crappiesburg needs to win 3 of 4 to avoid playing their final 6 games hitting off of a tee. 3) When a team is 50+ games back, they get 4 outs an inning, thus permitting Dib Williams to hit into the first-ever quadruple play.
I tells ya, they remind me those nights when Iffy eats waaayy too much okra, and spends the evening in the outhouse making the paint peel.
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Iffy
Apr 21, 2009 16:17:40 GMT -5
Post by theburns on Apr 21, 2009 16:17:40 GMT -5
Hey, is that new guy in Milton actually Capone? I guess with prohibition off da books, he has nuthin' to do but steal from the po' folks in North Dallas.
Why in Hades would you ship off King Carl for Queen Claude? This may well be the worst trade since Pawtucket (which one? pick one.)
Just when I had some faith in the mismanagement of North Dumbass, they go and pull of a enigmatic swap like this. Why not trade Mel Ott for a pile-drive in the ole bunghole?
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